Today’s is my best friend’s birthday.

She is 35 years older than I am. And even as she ages gracefully into her 60s, she still looks fabulous. Much to her delight, many people think she is at least 15 years younger than her real age. I wish I look like her when I am her age.

In the last 28 years that we have been friends, things have not always been smooth. We have not always been the best of friends. We have had shouting feuds, disagreements and cold wars. Many of these shouting matches ended up in tear baths.

I have not always been the most patient of friends. And sometimes, I would even be rude and obstinate. But my best friend’s motto is “ren” (endure in Chinese). And now that I look back, she deserves a better friend really.

She is giving and self-sacrificing. She always puts me before herself.

We have many happy moments together. And she has always been there at my side - celebrating my life milestones – my graduation, my wedding, the birth of my babe.

She is always there when I need support, a shoulder to cry on, or just a listening ear to vent to.

To the most amazing woman I have ever known – my best friend, my hero, my dearest mummy… Happy Birthday!

(Last year’s Chinese New Year, with mummy and babe)

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As a modern-day matchmaker, I spend a fair bit of my time making matches.

One of the questions that I get asked all the time is… “How do you match?”, “How do you know that it is a good match?”

Truth is, I can never be 100% sure that it will turn out to be a good match. There have been times that my team of dating consultants and I are so sure that it is a good match, and we even think that they will get married.

Then we will wait for the verdict.

The guy gave his feedback. “It was an absolutely fantastic date! She’s such a wonderful person. I would love to meet up with her again! Thank you so much!”

Wow…! In our heads, we were thinking, we will be getting a wedding invitation soon.

We called the lady, and she said… “He was ok. But not someone I would date. I don’t mind keeping in touch with him as a friend.”

There is no 100%. I always joke… If we could guarantee 100%, our membership fees and charges would be priced very differently. Apparently, the most expensive matchmaker (verified by the Guiness Book of Records) charges US$200,000. And yes, she guarantees marriage.

Ok, jokes aside… how do we match?

There are many aspects that we look at.

First and foremost, we need to learn more about the preferences of our client. What are his/her profile, physical and personality preferences? When we say profile, we mean age, education level, religion, ethnicity, smoking and drinking habits. Physical = height and built. And personality would include characteristics such as introverted vs. extroverted, spontaneous vs. organised etc.

Next, we will find out more about our client through our face-to-face consultation with him/her. Even though we gather profile information via a questionnaire which our client fills in, often, how we perceive ourselves, and how others perceive us are different. Thus, the matchmaker’s assessment is very important when it comes to matching. 

We also take time to find out about our client’s past relationships, passions, his/her values, what is most important to him or her. E.g. for someone, religious faith is very important. Recently, I made a match between a lawyer and a teacher. Initially the teacher was slightly apprehensive about dating a lawyer. But both of them are staunch believers, and this common value binds them together, giving them a common ground. They are currently dating each other.

After each date, we will obtain feedback from our clients. The feedback is a two-pronged approach. Firstly, it allows our clients to give us feedback on what they like or dislike about the match. This would help us refine the matching criteria for their subsequent matches. Secondly, it gives us an insight on how our client is as a date. Obviously when we meet our client at our office, how he/she behaves would be distinctly different from how he/she would behave on a date. :)

And there you have it… by using the plethora of information we have, we handpick each and every match for our client. And of course, a dash of intuition comes in handy too.

For some clients, all it takes is one match. And they would have met their special someone. But for some clients, it might take more than 30 matches. Interestingly, one of our upcoming weddings in June… it was his 10++ date, and it was her first. :)

So, if you are single and dating… take each and every new date as an opportunity to meet a new friend. You’ll never know where each opportunity takes you! :)

Enjoy your weekend!

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Came across this theory by Robert Sternberg recently… and thought I would share it with you.

According to him, for a relationship to last, and to grow with time… the couple must experience 3 things:

Passion, Intimacy and Commitment, in no particular order. He describes passion as physical and sexual attraction. Intimacy is the closeness and the connection, especially in communication. And commitment is easiest describe as marriage. And the strongest relationship is a relationship where all these aspects grow at the same rate like an equilateral triangle.

If there is only passion, that is called infatuation.

If there is only intimacy, that is called friendship.

If there is only commitment, that is called empty love.

If there is passion and intimacy, but no commitment, that is romantic love.

If there is passion and commitment, but no intimacy, that is fatuous love.

If there is intimacy and commitment, but no passion, that is companionate love.

If there is passion, intimacy and commitment, that is the most ideal of love… consummate love. :)

Many marriages, as time goes by, end up in ‘empty love’ as the passion is gone, and the intimacy too wanes. And the only thing holding the marriage together is the commitment.

Or in other marriages, the passion is there… but there is no communication. The couple simply does not grow together, and their paths hardly converge.

I thought his was a great theory because it helped to explain many of the relationships that I have come across. Of course, theory is often easier said than done. But, let’s all strive to achieve the equilateral triangle! Jiayou! :)

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This week has been an absolute madhouse… have been busy with the launch of the Matchmaking Institute in South East Asia. :)

Some of you might know that prior to starting my business, I flew over to NY to attend a course in matchmaking. Yes! I did that, and I learnt so much! I am the first Asian who attended the course.

And 4 years later, the co-founders - Lisa Clampitt & Jerome Chasques decided to bring the Institute to South East Asia, as there has been such a huge demand for the course. And we have worked together to localize the course content to make it more relevant to the students.

Jamie and I are really excited with the launch of MMI here in SEA as we have always wanted to do more for the industry, especially seeing a lot of passionate matchmakers wanting to help, but might not have the necessary know-how and tools to go about it…

To read more about the launch…

http://sg.news.yahoo.com/cna/20080409/tap-340260-231650b.html

http://www.straitstimes.com/Video%2BNews/Singapore/STIVodcast_3975.html?playid=3975&type=Singapore

Having a photo taken with the amazing Lisa! :)

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Dear Violet, I recently met this nice, wonderful girl. You could say she is perhaps the dream girl I have been waiting for all these while.

But there is a catch here: she is a staunch Christian and it is important for her to find someone who shares the same beliefs and values as her. The problem is, I am not a Christian but I do not mind whatever faith the girl believes in. But the same cannot be said about her.

What should I do?

Sincerely, K

Dear K,

Thank you for your email!

This is a tricky one. There is no quick and fast solution. As a believer myself, I can understand where your girl is coming from. Especially, if she is a staunch Christian, I think it is probably very important for her to share her life with someone who is of a similar faith and has similar religion depth.

A few questions for you - are you open to finding out more about her religion? And are you open to subsequently converting to her religion when you are ready? If the answers to these questions are YES, then I think there is a higher chance that things could work out between the both of you.

However, like in any relationships, it takes two hands to clap. Is your girl willing to wait for you to find out more about her religion with the potential of accepting Christ one day? If she expects that the person whom she dates MUST be a Christian to start off with, I would say that it is difficult for you to change her mind.

There are many inter-faith relationships that have worked out. However, it is based on the common understanding that the couple accepts each other’s faith. There have also been cases where one party eventually converts to the other’s religion as well… but it must be of the person’s own free will of course!

To conclude, from my personal experience of working with clients of different belief systems… it is not easy to convince someone to date out of their religion preference, and I don’t believe we should persuade people to do so as well because religion is a very personal decision. And even if they reluctantly agree at this point, they would more often than not change their mind subsequently. 

All the best, and may things work out for you!

Sincerely, Violet

P/S: Dear readers, do you have any personal experiences or advice to share with K? Please feel free to comment! :)

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