Did I tell you that I have been invited to another wedding recently? Two of our clients got married.

And it was a real grand affair. It was held at one of the poshest (is there such a word?) hotel in Singapore. And we are reallly happy for them, because they are such nice people, and as time goes by, we have actually become friends.

What struck me as really interesting at this particular client’s wedding is this…

Usually, when I go for client’s wedding, I will always keep a low profile. I will avoid speaking to people on my table. Or even when they make small talk, I will reply very politely, and not seek to prolong the conversation. The reason is very simple. I do not want to tell people that I am a matchmaker, or I run a dating service, and risk them drawing the direct conclusion that the couple met through us. Our clients usually prefer for people not to know how they actually meet, and I respect their decision. It is not my place to ’advertise’ or ‘market’ our business. We are happy to just be there to bask in their happiness and their joy.

I always joke about it with Jamie… if people ask… I will say I am a housewife, and he will say that he is in the IT business. 

So anyway, back to this particular wedding dinner. Right at the start of the wedding dinner, the groom came over to the table and say… “I put you guys at this table because I think you guys are of the same wavelength and will be able to do some networking as well,” and I politely smiled. And he proceeded to say, “Please meet Jamie and Violet, they run a very successful dating agency, Lunch Actually!” And my smile froze, not knowing how to react. He introduced the rest, and then left to entertain his other guests. I was very worried during the entire dinner that people at my table were going to ask the question…

“So… did they meet through you guys?”

And it did not help that one of the groom’s friend on our table actually knew that the bride and groom met through us. And kept saying things like… “So Violet, I am sure you are invited to many wedding dinners?” And gave me this knowing smile. I really felt like throwing Fried Rice at him.

But you know what was the most amazing thing?

Nobody on the table even suspected. Not one.

And then I suddenly realised why.

Because the bride and the groom are so eligible. The bride is beautiful. She’s definitely someone you would classify as above average, if not gorgeous. Someone that guys would definitely look twice. And the groom is successful and talented.

And that was the reason, that it never come across anybody’s mind that they actually met through a dating service.

Because people always have the impression that people who go to dating services are ’single, desperate and ugly!’

And this couple is definitely far from being ’single, desperate and ugly’.

I just thought that was quite an interesting experience. And perhaps from now on, I can stop saying that I am a housewife, even though that is my secret ambition… haha! ;) 

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When meeting up with clients, one of the most common question I ask is, “What are you looking for in your ideal partner?”

Usually, the answer would include some physical attributes. Guys usually prefer to meet ladies who are slim and shorter than them. And ladies prefer to meet guys who are taller and of bigger build than them. Many ladies also like guys who are outgoing, extroverted, charismatic and humorous. And usually, both men and women would prefer partners with clear and unblemished skin.

Hubby and I had this conversation the other day.

He said, “Before I meet you, my dating criteria would be a girl who is slim and much shorter than me.”

For those of you who have never met me before… erm… I can hardly be categorised as slim. And I am actually quite tall as a girl.

He continued. “But now, I cannot imagine going out with someone who is too skinny. And your height seems just right.”

I thought it was really interesting. Because I have always wanted to date someone who is of bigger build than me. And someone who is outgoing and the life of the party. People who know my hubby would probably laugh at this point. Because hubby is so introverted that some of my friends initially wonder if we ever communicate!

And now, I cannot fathom going out with a guy who is too loud. Or too outgoing. Or someone who is too beefed up!

It’s quite funny, don’t you think?

We always think we know what we want. And what works for us. But when we meet someone whom we can connect on a higher level with… all these initial rules just do not apply anymore! And more ironically, our ‘taste’ actually changes! Because our brain now tells us that this is actually our ‘type’, and we are now conditioned to believe that this is our ‘type’.

And there I was, thinking I knew what I wanted…

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I have not written about love for months. Those of you who are my faithful readers might have realized that. Well, it is not that “I am all out of love”, but I just have not had the opportunity to sit down, be inspired to write.

Recently, hubby and I caught up on our movie marathon. You know, we love to watch movies. And before babe come along, we used to be frequent patrons of the cinema. Action, thriller, sci-fi, fantasy, war, romance comedy, slapstick - you name it, we are up for it. Well, apart from horror… haha! I do not want to waste $10 on 2 hours of hiding behind my hands. Ok, the truth is out. I am those people who would hide behind a pillow when watching horror movies on TV. Haha!

Ok, sorry to digress. So, we watched a romance comedy that I have always wanted to watch… Music and Lyrics starring Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore. How much better can you get? Both stars are like romance comedy naturals. Remember Hugh Grant in Four Weddings and a Funeral, Notting Hill, Love Actually? And Drew Barrymore in Ever After, Never been kissed, 50 First Dates? They were brilliant in those movies. I rest my case.

I have pretty high expectations for the show. And I was not disappointed. The storyline was believable, the music was great, the acting was good, and the chemistry between the leads was definitely sizzling.

There was a conversation that really stood out for me in this movie.

Sophie Fisher: A melody is like seeing someone for the first time. The physical attraction. Sex.
Alex Fletcher: I so get that.
Sophie Fisher: But then, as you get to know the person, that’s the lyrics. Their story. Who they are underneath. It’s the combination of the two that makes it magic.

For a memorable song. Music and lyrics. Definitely inseparable.

I have been asked many times. Violet, how do I choose the right one?

We might not want to admit it, but many of us are guilty of this. We choose purely based on the music. It is that which hooks us in and attract our attention. And you know the worst thing? We are actually programmed to be attracted to a certain type of “music”.

And as humans, we are quick to make first impressions. If the “music” is not right, we are quick to write off the song immediately.

I have begun to realize that Drew Barrymore is right. Music without beautiful lyrics just does not cut it for me anymore. A song can never be truly unforgettable unless the lyrics have touched my soul. And often, I am attracted to a song not for its music, but because of its inspiring, enduring and uplifting lyrics.

Music first? Or lyrics first?

Choose wisely.

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Came across this theory by Robert Sternberg recently… and thought I would share it with you.

According to him, for a relationship to last, and to grow with time… the couple must experience 3 things:

Passion, Intimacy and Commitment, in no particular order. He describes passion as physical and sexual attraction. Intimacy is the closeness and the connection, especially in communication. And commitment is easiest describe as marriage. And the strongest relationship is a relationship where all these aspects grow at the same rate like an equilateral triangle.

If there is only passion, that is called infatuation.

If there is only intimacy, that is called friendship.

If there is only commitment, that is called empty love.

If there is passion and intimacy, but no commitment, that is romantic love.

If there is passion and commitment, but no intimacy, that is fatuous love.

If there is intimacy and commitment, but no passion, that is companionate love.

If there is passion, intimacy and commitment, that is the most ideal of love… consummate love.

Many marriages, as time goes by, end up in ‘empty love’ as the passion is gone, and the intimacy too wanes. And the only thing holding the marriage together is the commitment.

Or in other marriages, the passion is there… but there is no communication. The couple simply does not grow together, and their paths hardly converge.

I thought his was a great theory because it helped to explain many of the relationships that I have come across. Of course, theory is often easier said than done. But, let’s all strive to achieve the equilateral triangle! Jiayou!

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Dear Violet,

My boyfriend and best friend HATE each other they fight over the stupidest resons like who do I have dinner with and who do I go to the movies with on the weekends and I can’t take it any more. What should i do???

I want to pick my bestfriend but then again what about my boyfriend he will feel left out and I want to pick my boyfriend but what about my best friend???

All I want is for then to get along but how do I do that??

Sincerely, Peace Lover

*****

Dear Peace Lover,

Question, is your best friend a guy or a girl? If your best friend is a guy, then it explains why your boyfriend does not get along with him as he might feel threatened by your best friend.

Anyway, here are 3 quick solutions to your dilemma.

1. Understand the root of the problem. Sit your boyfriend down one day, and casually find out the reason that he cannot get along with your best friend. There might be an incident that happened along the way which you have no idea of. Do the same with your best friend.

2. Clear all misunderstandings and/or mis-communication. After finding out the root of the problem, play ‘peacemaker’. Instead of trying to force them to love each other, find an opportunity where you can help to clear any misunderstandings or mis-communication.

3. Have a heart-to-heart talk with them. If all else fail, tell them how much it means to you for them not to fight all the time. And if they are mature enough and truly love you, they will make some effort to get along. Help them find some common grounds. Maybe they like a similar hobby or sports? When people are having fun, they are less likely to yell at each other.

Good luck!

Sincerely, Violet

Short Note: A new poll is up, go check it out!

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Hi Violet,

My relationship ended 4 months ago and recently I decided to re-establish contact with my ex. The way the conversation went was rather one sided and after a while she got quite hostile and started to berate me for asking stupid questions and being so quiet. I tried to initiate the conversation and all I got was short one liner answers. I don’t understand why I was being treated this way when all I wanted was to just say hi. We always got along and she never gave a clear reason for the breakup. It just came out of the blue and there was no way I could salvage the relationship. Am I missing something here?

Lost

***

Dear Lost,

Thank you for your email. I totally understand how you feel and I empathise with your current situation.

First and foremost, what is your real reason for wanting to re-establishing contact? Is it to find out if there is a chance for reconciliation? Or is it to just check on how she’s doing? Either way, it is obvious that your intentions are not reciprocated.

Since she was the one who initiated the break-up, she might be feeling guilty, and she is not able deal with her guilt at the moment, hence she ended up taking it out on you.  By belittling you, she might also be justifying the reasons for breaking up with you.

I would advise you to stop contacting your ex unless she decides to contact you again. The reason is, the more you try to communicate with her, the more that she feels that your ‘value’ is not as high as hers.

Take a break! Go on a holiday. Take up a new sport or a new hobby. Meet new friends. Widen your social circle. Re-establish contact with friends whom you might have lost touch with as a result of your previous relationship.

Who knows, someday your paths will meet again, and your ex will be ready to re-establish connection.

But before that, you are better off broadening your horizons, and who knows, Ms. Right could be right under your nose.

All the best!

Sincerely, Violet

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Was at a girlfriend’s Hen Party over the weekend!She asked us to give her some wise advice for making her marriage work i.e. “Recipe for Happiness”. Perhaps it was after a long bus ride from Singapore to KL that has dulled my brain, but I only managed to come up with two for her then.

Short Note: I have been invited by Yahoo! Answers to be part of their ‘Be the Love Guru!’ campaign. Have any pressing questions that you need answers to? Check it out here.

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