Dear Violet, I recently met this nice, wonderful girl. You could say she is perhaps the dream girl I have been waiting for all these while.But there is a catch here: she is a staunch Christian and it is important for her to find someone who shares the same beliefs and values as her. The problem is, I am not a Christian but I do not mind whatever faith the girl believes in. But the same cannot be said about her.

What should I do?

Sincerely, K

Dear K,

Thank you for your email!

This is a tricky one. There is no quick and fast solution. As a believer myself, I can understand where your girl is coming from. Especially, if she is a staunch Christian, I think it is probably very important for her to share her life with someone who is of a similar faith and has similar religion depth.

A few questions for you - are you open to finding out more about her religion? And are you open to subsequently converting to her religion when you are ready? If the answers to these questions are YES, then I think there is a higher chance that things could work out between the both of you.

However, like in any relationships, it takes two hands to clap. Is your girl willing to wait for you to find out more about her religion with the potential of accepting Christ one day? If she expects that the person whom she dates MUST be a Christian to start off with, I would say that it is difficult for you to change her mind.

There are many inter-faith relationships that have worked out. However, it is based on the common understanding that the couple accepts each other’s faith. There have also been cases where one party eventually converts to the other’s religion as well… but it must be of the person’s own free will of course!

To conclude, from my personal experience of working with clients of different belief systems… it is not easy to convince someone to date out of their religion preference, and I don’t believe we should persuade people to do so as well because religion is a very personal decision. And even if they reluctantly agree at this point, they would more often than not change their mind subsequently. 

All the best, and may things work out for you!

Sincerely, Violet

P/S: Dear readers, do you have any personal experiences or advice to share with K? Please feel free to comment!

Popularity: 41% [?]

Dear Violet,

My boyfriend and best friend HATE each other they fight over the stupidest resons like who do I have dinner with and who do I go to the movies with on the weekends and I can’t take it any more. What should i do???

I want to pick my bestfriend but then again what about my boyfriend he will feel left out and I want to pick my boyfriend but what about my best friend???

All I want is for then to get along but how do I do that??

Sincerely, Peace Lover

*****

Dear Peace Lover,

Question, is your best friend a guy or a girl? If your best friend is a guy, then it explains why your boyfriend does not get along with him as he might feel threatened by your best friend.

Anyway, here are 3 quick solutions to your dilemma.

1. Understand the root of the problem. Sit your boyfriend down one day, and casually find out the reason that he cannot get along with your best friend. There might be an incident that happened along the way which you have no idea of. Do the same with your best friend.

2. Clear all misunderstandings and/or mis-communication. After finding out the root of the problem, play ‘peacemaker’. Instead of trying to force them to love each other, find an opportunity where you can help to clear any misunderstandings or mis-communication.

3. Have a heart-to-heart talk with them. If all else fail, tell them how much it means to you for them not to fight all the time. And if they are mature enough and truly love you, they will make some effort to get along. Help them find some common grounds. Maybe they like a similar hobby or sports? When people are having fun, they are less likely to yell at each other.

Good luck!

Sincerely, Violet

Short Note: A new poll is up, go check it out!

Popularity: 87% [?]

Hi Violet,

My relationship ended 4 months ago and recently I decided to re-establish contact with my ex. The way the conversation went was rather one sided and after a while she got quite hostile and started to berate me for asking stupid questions and being so quiet. I tried to initiate the conversation and all I got was short one liner answers. I don’t understand why I was being treated this way when all I wanted was to just say hi. We always got along and she never gave a clear reason for the breakup. It just came out of the blue and there was no way I could salvage the relationship. Am I missing something here?

Lost

***

Dear Lost,

Thank you for your email. I totally understand how you feel and I empathise with your current situation.

First and foremost, what is your real reason for wanting to re-establishing contact? Is it to find out if there is a chance for reconciliation? Or is it to just check on how she’s doing? Either way, it is obvious that your intentions are not reciprocated.

Since she was the one who initiated the break-up, she might be feeling guilty, and she is not able deal with her guilt at the moment, hence she ended up taking it out on you.  By belittling you, she might also be justifying the reasons for breaking up with you.

I would advise you to stop contacting your ex unless she decides to contact you again. The reason is, the more you try to communicate with her, the more that she feels that your ‘value’ is not as high as hers.

Take a break! Go on a holiday. Take up a new sport or a new hobby. Meet new friends. Widen your social circle. Re-establish contact with friends whom you might have lost touch with as a result of your previous relationship.

Who knows, someday your paths will meet again, and your ex will be ready to re-establish connection.

But before that, you are better off broadening your horizons, and who knows, Ms. Right could be right under your nose.

All the best!

Sincerely, Violet

Popularity: 54% [?]

 

1. Search up a great image consultant. Revamp my image. Get a new haircut. Have a complete makeover. As they say, first impressions count.

2. Enroll in a personal makeup class. Learning from the magazines is going to take too long a time. Knowing the right techniques and skills can immediately make me feel more confident.

3. Set aside at least 2 going-out nights a week. Never mind I have no plans as yet. I will fill it up.

4. Read recommended dating and relationship books. Even if I just get one or two tip from each book, it’s worth it.

5. Search up my old address books and start establishing contacts with long lost friends or colleagues. You never know where you will find love. Or they might know of someone who is a good match for me.

6. Take up a new hobby that I have always wanted to do. Re-discover my passion for life, as people who are passionate about life are attractive.

7. Be a happy person. Men searching for love are looking for a woman to make their life happier. Nobody wants to date a girl who is negative and complains all the time.

8. Join one or two reputable dating service. It’s all about casting your net wider. There probably are some quality men who join dating services that I would not meet on my own.

9. Make myself available. Let my friends know directly or subtly that I am up to being a fourth wheel should she go out with her boyfriend and boyfriend’s friend.

10. Go for networking events. Be friendly and approachable. Be genuinely interested in people. And follow up whether it’s a girl or a guy. You will never know who you will be introduced to by my new friends. It’s always good to be widening my social circle.

11. Hire a dating coach. It’s better to know where I am screwing up, and what action steps I can do to drastically bring me up the learning curve.

12. Stop wasting time staying at home. Realize that I am not going to meet any single and available men by staying at home doing my laundry.

13. Stay positive. Because I know that the most important thing is to have a positive mindset. Things might not go my way in the beginning, and I might even encounter many challenges along the way. The important thing to know is that I am getting closer to my objective with each step that I take.

 

Popularity: 99% [?]

Hi There

I found your blog on romance tracker. I wanted to ask you a question. I have a friend who I may have feelings for. I have never had feelings for someone before and it is pretty scary. Basically it makes my day to just get and email from her. What my question is, is how do I know whether she has feelings for me or not. I am an introvert so talking to her is difficult but we do have a friendship which I feel is pretty strong.

I know she is not ready for a relationship yet but I just want to know how I can see what her feelings are toward me. I am happy if it’s just friendship or if she might have feelings for me I can wait until she is ready for a relationship. I am 29 and she is about 32.

Thanks!

Anonymous

***** 

Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for your email! Sorry I have taken some time to get back to you, but I have been extremely busy. Hope it is not too late…

I think in any relationships, one of the most important ingredients is sincerity. Take tiny steps. If you ask her out for a date, and she does not decline you, she probably is looking to explore this relationship further. With each tiny step, you will have a better idea of her feelings for you. And as you get to know her better through each date, you will also know for yourself whether this is the right one for you.

There are many different levels of love. The type of love that we first experience is often ‘biological’. And sometimes ’significance’ - wanting someone to be always there for us, having a companionship, or being seen as special to that someone.

However, the type of love that lasts a lifetime is a different type of love altogether. It is what I call ‘meaning’. As you have stated in your email, she might not be ready at the moment for a relationship. However, you can build ‘meaning’ with her. With both of you having a strong friendship, that is a good start. The best relationships or marriages are when the couple are best friends, and they just love to spend each and every minute with each other.

Here’s to wishing you all the best, and may you find your happiness soon!

Sincerely, Violet

Popularity: 10% [?]

Hi Violet 

I found your website by chance 10 mins ago as I was browsing the web looking for some Help since I am soaked into relationship misery.  I am not sure if its appropriate writing to you, but guess I am at my desperate end to try this.  I am a married woman, with 2 young children.  My husband works overseas.  I am in a relationship with a colleague for past 2 year plus … before my husband was posted overseas.  There is no doubt that there is a communication gap between my spouse and me, that creates chance to accept love from another married man with a child.  I have stopped loving my husband, I am just an obliging wife and mother.   

The past 2 years had been a coaster ride for me and my colleague (lover).  We tried countless times to end the relationship, but we failed as well.  Last night I told him about breaking up, and he accepted… But we are feeling so tormented today and filled with anger with each other that we have to come to end this relationship.  Seriously both of us are not able to give up our family to be together, as I personally think that the risk is too high and we would cause tremendous hurt to our family members.  But keeping both of us separated is driving us crazy… I am so afraid that we will break loose of our self control and dive into something horrendous.  Why? Our love is just too deep I guess. 

Can you please share some light with me? How I should handle the double life I am having? In my heart I deeply wanted to patch up with my lover, but I know I am heading an endless road, with no road sign and direction… It’s just so torturing :-(   I would greatly appreciate any advice from you. Thank you..  From L    

 

 

Dear L, 

Thank you for confiding in me, and I am sorry I have taken some time to get back to you.  Firstly, I think you must analyse why you started an affair in the first place. Is it because you are having problems with your husband? Or is it because there are problems at home and you were looking for someone’s shoulder to cry on? Or is it because after being married for some years, and as things became mundane, you were lured by temptations? 

The reason I feel that you have to make an analysis is because, it is only when you can understand the source of the problem, you can solve this.  If you have been having problems with your husband from the start, then perhaps you could consider marriage counselling? I understand that your husband has been posted overseas and as a result would not be able to be there for you and your family. However, you must share your feelings with him, or perhaps both of you could work something out i.e. you relocate with your family to be with your husband? Or perhaps could he get a job closer to home? 

I understand that you have been trying to break off from your lover for countless times but have not succeeded. I think the problem is… you probably have not found enough reasons to break off from the relationship? First and foremost, I think you should sit down and ponder on the reasons why you should break up with him. You already know that you are causing a lot of hurt to your family, but by listing all the reasons down, you will be able to see the picture a lot clearer. 

To increase your chances of success, perhaps you could confide in a close friend who will be your ’supporter’. When the goings get tough i.e. you feel like calling him… you can call your friend instead. 

I am not sure if your husband knows about your affair. If at the moment, he is still in the dark, then you have to decide whether you want to tell him the truth. Sometimes, being totally honest might not be the best decision. However, you need to also consider, what if he finds out from someone else?  L, I understand that you must be very confused at the moment. But I would like to urge you to bring a closure to this affair. Even though you might feel that you have no more feelings left for your husband, but to be fair to your family, you have to try to salvage your marriage. I wish you all the best and I hope you will find true happiness soon! Take care! 

Sincerely, Violet  

 

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Violet, 

   

I known M from the net since September last year and we become closed as brother and sister. But the feelings grow more deeper. I fall for him and he told me the same thing that he love me too since day 1. The relationship goes on and we become more close and intimate. We never met and just contacting each other tru the phone and online. We even exchange pictures and gifts. But the problem is he is a married man. Married for 12 years and without kids. At the beginning of our “bro & sis” thing… he told me all his problem - family problem, his relationship with wife, financial problem and many more. I started to feel pity and that makes me care and love him more.

Lastly we declared as lovers after 4 months knowing tru the net. He told me that he wants to marry me when he settled down his divorce case with his wife. He claimed that he’s not happy with his wife and his wife doesnt respect him as a husband. He told me these before we reveal our feelings to each other.  

Violet, Im not sure whether im taking the right decision. Please help me. Do i have to continue our relationship or to i need to step out and leave? I never told this to anyone…and i cant bear any longer for not sharing with someone and i thought that you’re the right person to seek for advices.

Thanking you in advanced violet…and God bless.

S

Dear S,

Thank you for your email!

I am sure you are feeling very lost and confused at the moment. You are wondering what is the right thing to do. Your head tells you one thing, but your heart tells you the other. There are many women who have been in your situation, and most often than not, it does not end up well. Of course, there will be cases where the man actually divorce his wife, and then live happily ever after with his true love. But those cases are rare.

There are several questions you have to ask yourself:
(1) Is this truly love, or is your maternal instinct taking over? Are you feeling sorry for him, and you want to look after him?
(2) If this man is as good as he sounds, would he be cheating on his wife? If he can cheat on the woman whom he is married to for 12 years, what makes you think he is not seeing another woman apart from you?
(3) Have you met him face-to-face? From your email, I am not sure whether you have actually met up with him. Sometimes people are not who they seem, they might portray themselves differently online and offline. There are many ‘cheats’ and ‘conmen’ out there, and the easiest way to prey on unsuspecting ladies is through online. So please be careful. If you are meeting him, make sure you meet at a public place, or bring a friend with you.
(4) Do you know him enough to trust him? Have you met his friends or colleagues? What you know about him now is what “his side” of the story. How do you know if he is telling the truth?

S, there are plenty of fishes out there. Do not tie youself down to someone who has strings attached. If he truly loves you, then he would divorce his wife first, then start a relationship with you. Why would a man put the woman he loves at the side line?

Meanwhile, occupy yourself with new hobbies and activities. Widen your social circle. Go out with your friends. And who knows, you might meet the right one along the way.

Take care! And do email me again if you have any problems. All the best!

Love, Violet

Tags: dating+married+man, relationship+advice, love, dating, romance, advice

Popularity: 15% [?]