Did I tell you that I have been invited to another wedding recently? Two of our clients got married.

And it was a real grand affair. It was held at one of the poshest (is there such a word?) hotel in Singapore. And we are reallly happy for them, because they are such nice people, and as time goes by, we have actually become friends.

What struck me as really interesting at this particular client’s wedding is this…

Usually, when I go for client’s wedding, I will always keep a low profile. I will avoid speaking to people on my table. Or even when they make small talk, I will reply very politely, and not seek to prolong the conversation. The reason is very simple. I do not want to tell people that I am a matchmaker, or I run a dating service, and risk them drawing the direct conclusion that the couple met through us. Our clients usually prefer for people not to know how they actually meet, and I respect their decision. It is not my place to ’advertise’ or ‘market’ our business. We are happy to just be there to bask in their happiness and their joy.

I always joke about it with Jamie… if people ask… I will say I am a housewife, and he will say that he is in the IT business. 

So anyway, back to this particular wedding dinner. Right at the start of the wedding dinner, the groom came over to the table and say… “I put you guys at this table because I think you guys are of the same wavelength and will be able to do some networking as well,” and I politely smiled. And he proceeded to say, “Please meet Jamie and Violet, they run a very successful dating agency, Lunch Actually!” And my smile froze, not knowing how to react. He introduced the rest, and then left to entertain his other guests. I was very worried during the entire dinner that people at my table were going to ask the question…

“So… did they meet through you guys?”

And it did not help that one of the groom’s friend on our table actually knew that the bride and groom met through us. And kept saying things like… “So Violet, I am sure you are invited to many wedding dinners?” And gave me this knowing smile. I really felt like throwing Fried Rice at him.

But you know what was the most amazing thing?

Nobody on the table even suspected. Not one.

And then I suddenly realised why.

Because the bride and the groom are so eligible. The bride is beautiful. She’s definitely someone you would classify as above average, if not gorgeous. Someone that guys would definitely look twice. And the groom is successful and talented.

And that was the reason, that it never come across anybody’s mind that they actually met through a dating service.

Because people always have the impression that people who go to dating services are ’single, desperate and ugly!’

And this couple is definitely far from being ’single, desperate and ugly’.

I just thought that was quite an interesting experience. And perhaps from now on, I can stop saying that I am a housewife, even though that is my secret ambition… haha! ;) 

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When meeting up with clients, one of the most common question I ask is, “What are you looking for in your ideal partner?”

Usually, the answer would include some physical attributes. Guys usually prefer to meet ladies who are slim and shorter than them. And ladies prefer to meet guys who are taller and of bigger build than them. Many ladies also like guys who are outgoing, extroverted, charismatic and humorous. And usually, both men and women would prefer partners with clear and unblemished skin.

Hubby and I had this conversation the other day.

He said, “Before I meet you, my dating criteria would be a girl who is slim and much shorter than me.”

For those of you who have never met me before… erm… I can hardly be categorised as slim. And I am actually quite tall as a girl.

He continued. “But now, I cannot imagine going out with someone who is too skinny. And your height seems just right.”

I thought it was really interesting. Because I have always wanted to date someone who is of bigger build than me. And someone who is outgoing and the life of the party. People who know my hubby would probably laugh at this point. Because hubby is so introverted that some of my friends initially wonder if we ever communicate!

And now, I cannot fathom going out with a guy who is too loud. Or too outgoing. Or someone who is too beefed up!

It’s quite funny, don’t you think?

We always think we know what we want. And what works for us. But when we meet someone whom we can connect on a higher level with… all these initial rules just do not apply anymore! And more ironically, our ‘taste’ actually changes! Because our brain now tells us that this is actually our ‘type’, and we are now conditioned to believe that this is our ‘type’.

And there I was, thinking I knew what I wanted…

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I have not written about love for months. Those of you who are my faithful readers might have realized that. Well, it is not that “I am all out of love”, but I just have not had the opportunity to sit down, be inspired to write.

Recently, hubby and I caught up on our movie marathon. You know, we love to watch movies. And before babe come along, we used to be frequent patrons of the cinema. Action, thriller, sci-fi, fantasy, war, romance comedy, slapstick - you name it, we are up for it. Well, apart from horror… haha! I do not want to waste $10 on 2 hours of hiding behind my hands. Ok, the truth is out. I am those people who would hide behind a pillow when watching horror movies on TV. Haha!

Ok, sorry to digress. So, we watched a romance comedy that I have always wanted to watch… Music and Lyrics starring Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore. How much better can you get? Both stars are like romance comedy naturals. Remember Hugh Grant in Four Weddings and a Funeral, Notting Hill, Love Actually? And Drew Barrymore in Ever After, Never been kissed, 50 First Dates? They were brilliant in those movies. I rest my case.

I have pretty high expectations for the show. And I was not disappointed. The storyline was believable, the music was great, the acting was good, and the chemistry between the leads was definitely sizzling.

There was a conversation that really stood out for me in this movie.

Sophie Fisher: A melody is like seeing someone for the first time. The physical attraction. Sex.
Alex Fletcher: I so get that.
Sophie Fisher: But then, as you get to know the person, that’s the lyrics. Their story. Who they are underneath. It’s the combination of the two that makes it magic.

For a memorable song. Music and lyrics. Definitely inseparable.

I have been asked many times. Violet, how do I choose the right one?

We might not want to admit it, but many of us are guilty of this. We choose purely based on the music. It is that which hooks us in and attract our attention. And you know the worst thing? We are actually programmed to be attracted to a certain type of “music”.

And as humans, we are quick to make first impressions. If the “music” is not right, we are quick to write off the song immediately.

I have begun to realize that Drew Barrymore is right. Music without beautiful lyrics just does not cut it for me anymore. A song can never be truly unforgettable unless the lyrics have touched my soul. And often, I am attracted to a song not for its music, but because of its inspiring, enduring and uplifting lyrics.

Music first? Or lyrics first?

Choose wisely.

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As a modern-day matchmaker, I spend a fair bit of my time making matches.

One of the questions that I get asked all the time is… “How do you match?”, “How do you know that it is a good match?”

Truth is, I can never be 100% sure that it will turn out to be a good match. There have been times that my team of dating consultants and I are so sure that it is a good match, and we even think that they will get married.

Then we will wait for the verdict.

The guy gave his feedback. “It was an absolutely fantastic date! She’s such a wonderful person. I would love to meet up with her again! Thank you so much!”

Wow…! In our heads, we were thinking, we will be getting a wedding invitation soon.

We called the lady, and she said… “He was ok. But not someone I would date. I don’t mind keeping in touch with him as a friend.”

There is no 100%. I always joke… If we could guarantee 100%, our membership fees and charges would be priced very differently. Apparently, the most expensive matchmaker (verified by the Guiness Book of Records) charges US$200,000. And yes, she guarantees marriage.

Ok, jokes aside… how do we match?

There are many aspects that we look at.

First and foremost, we need to learn more about the preferences of our client. What are his/her profile, physical and personality preferences? When we say profile, we mean age, education level, religion, ethnicity, smoking and drinking habits. Physical = height and built. And personality would include characteristics such as introverted vs. extroverted, spontaneous vs. organised etc.

Next, we will find out more about our client through our face-to-face consultation with him/her. Even though we gather profile information via a questionnaire which our client fills in, often, how we perceive ourselves, and how others perceive us are different. Thus, the matchmaker’s assessment is very important when it comes to matching.

We also take time to find out about our client’s past relationships, passions, his/her values, what is most important to him or her. E.g. for someone, religious faith is very important. Recently, I made a match between a lawyer and a teacher. Initially the teacher was slightly apprehensive about dating a lawyer. But both of them are staunch believers, and this common value binds them together, giving them a common ground. They are currently dating each other.

After each date, we will obtain feedback from our clients. The feedback is a two-pronged approach. Firstly, it allows our clients to give us feedback on what they like or dislike about the match. This would help us refine the matching criteria for their subsequent matches. Secondly, it gives us an insight on how our client is as a date. Obviously when we meet our client at our office, how he/she behaves would be distinctly different from how he/she would behave on a date.

And there you have it… by using the plethora of information we have, we handpick each and every match for our client. And of course, a dash of intuition comes in handy too.

For some clients, all it takes is one match. And they would have met their special someone. But for some clients, it might take more than 30 matches. Interestingly, one of our upcoming weddings in June… it was his 10++ date, and it was her first.

So, if you are single and dating… take each and every new date as an opportunity to meet a new friend. You’ll never know where each opportunity takes you!

Enjoy your weekend!

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Dear Violet, I recently met this nice, wonderful girl. You could say she is perhaps the dream girl I have been waiting for all these while.But there is a catch here: she is a staunch Christian and it is important for her to find someone who shares the same beliefs and values as her. The problem is, I am not a Christian but I do not mind whatever faith the girl believes in. But the same cannot be said about her.

What should I do?

Sincerely, K

Dear K,

Thank you for your email!

This is a tricky one. There is no quick and fast solution. As a believer myself, I can understand where your girl is coming from. Especially, if she is a staunch Christian, I think it is probably very important for her to share her life with someone who is of a similar faith and has similar religion depth.

A few questions for you - are you open to finding out more about her religion? And are you open to subsequently converting to her religion when you are ready? If the answers to these questions are YES, then I think there is a higher chance that things could work out between the both of you.

However, like in any relationships, it takes two hands to clap. Is your girl willing to wait for you to find out more about her religion with the potential of accepting Christ one day? If she expects that the person whom she dates MUST be a Christian to start off with, I would say that it is difficult for you to change her mind.

There are many inter-faith relationships that have worked out. However, it is based on the common understanding that the couple accepts each other’s faith. There have also been cases where one party eventually converts to the other’s religion as well… but it must be of the person’s own free will of course!

To conclude, from my personal experience of working with clients of different belief systems… it is not easy to convince someone to date out of their religion preference, and I don’t believe we should persuade people to do so as well because religion is a very personal decision. And even if they reluctantly agree at this point, they would more often than not change their mind subsequently. 

All the best, and may things work out for you!

Sincerely, Violet

P/S: Dear readers, do you have any personal experiences or advice to share with K? Please feel free to comment!

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Was with a group of Malaysians girls and guys the other day, dwelling on the topic of love and dating… and with patriotism running high, the focus inevitably transcends to how Singaporean men are not very good ‘daters’.

It is quite sad really, because not only the Malaysians are complaining. The Singaporean girls themselves are complaining about the Singaporean men.

They are too weak. They are not chivalrous enough. They make poor conversationalists. They are not gentlemanly.

A buzz phrase you hear among single Singaporean women is, “All the good Singaporean men are either attached, married or gay!”

That got me thinking actually. By the way, before I proceed any further, let me just state at this point that I am Malaysian, with a Singaporean PR. And I love my adopted country as much as I love my home country.

Ok… as I was saying, all this talk got me thinking. Is it true that Singaporean men ‘cannot make it’? Or do they have other redeeming factors?

The truth is, when I was at university, many of my guy friends were Singaporeans. And I was actually quite impressed with them. And many of them are people whom I keep in touch till today.

So, here are some endearing qualities that I find in Singaporean men that I have met… :) 

In the event of war, you are rest assured that they know how to use a gun. Yes, with the compulsory national service of 2 years, they undergo combat training. And to make sure their skills do not turn rusty, they go back every year for ‘reservist’.

You can always count on them to have tissue paper with them. I am one of those women who never carry tissue paper on me. I can always count on my Singaporean guy friends to have them. Very useful when you are eating katong laksa, and you need tissue to wipe your mouth.

Many of them can cook. I swear. They are fantastic cooks. My girlfriend and I went on a trip with 3 guys. And we did not need to do any cooking. This Singaporean guy prepared breakfast, lunch and dinner and it was absolutely delicious! I don’t know where they learn how to cook… maybe in the jungle while serving NS?

They are really sweet and chivalrous actually. I had this friend who knew the weakling I am, and offered to accompany me to the supermarket whenever I ran out of groceries. He knew for sure I couldn’t carry so much stuff. So he camealong to help me carry stuff. Yeah, yeah, some of you might say that he probably had a crush on you or something. But, seriously, I don’t think so. Think he was just a very thoughtful and nice friend.

And last but not least, you have to respect the ‘camaraderie’ and comradeship. Every Singaporean man would have a group of friends call their ‘army friends’ or their ‘platoon mates’ or their ‘BMT friends’. Once in a while, they would go out with the boys, and catch up on how they played tricks on each other, or their sergeant or their platoon commander. And when they do that, though I pretend to be bored… it always brings a smile to my face…

Singaporean men might not be as romantic as the French, as passionate as the Spanish, as suave as the Italian, as well-dressed as the Hong Kongers, as good-looking as the Japanese… but they are really quite dateable… once you have taken time to know them better and discover the hidden gems.

After all, I am a trusted authority as I married one.

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1. Search up a great image consultant. Revamp my image. Get a new haircut. Have a complete makeover. As they say, first impressions count.

2. Enroll in a personal makeup class. Learning from the magazines is going to take too long a time. Knowing the right techniques and skills can immediately make me feel more confident.

3. Set aside at least 2 going-out nights a week. Never mind I have no plans as yet. I will fill it up.

4. Read recommended dating and relationship books. Even if I just get one or two tip from each book, it’s worth it.

5. Search up my old address books and start establishing contacts with long lost friends or colleagues. You never know where you will find love. Or they might know of someone who is a good match for me.

6. Take up a new hobby that I have always wanted to do. Re-discover my passion for life, as people who are passionate about life are attractive.

7. Be a happy person. Men searching for love are looking for a woman to make their life happier. Nobody wants to date a girl who is negative and complains all the time.

8. Join one or two reputable dating service. It’s all about casting your net wider. There probably are some quality men who join dating services that I would not meet on my own.

9. Make myself available. Let my friends know directly or subtly that I am up to being a fourth wheel should she go out with her boyfriend and boyfriend’s friend.

10. Go for networking events. Be friendly and approachable. Be genuinely interested in people. And follow up whether it’s a girl or a guy. You will never know who you will be introduced to by my new friends. It’s always good to be widening my social circle.

11. Hire a dating coach. It’s better to know where I am screwing up, and what action steps I can do to drastically bring me up the learning curve.

12. Stop wasting time staying at home. Realize that I am not going to meet any single and available men by staying at home doing my laundry.

13. Stay positive. Because I know that the most important thing is to have a positive mindset. Things might not go my way in the beginning, and I might even encounter many challenges along the way. The important thing to know is that I am getting closer to my objective with each step that I take.

 

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